Try to LIVE, not to EXIST

“I have experienced many difficulties in my life, mostly due to my drug addiction, I had and made others as well to suffer a lot.. but losing my daughter and being deported from America was the hardest.. I had started with alcohol at the age of 10.. My addiction to drug started when I was 16 years old and that was the reason why I was deported from the America. I had been arrested for distribution and possession of drugs and had to pay the price for it. I was not an American citizenship holder therefore I could not take help of law, the verdict was final.”
Its testimony of a 45 years old female drug addict SH (Lets not disclose her real name) from the age of 10, SH lived a life have been controlled by drugs.. It’s unbelievable, I know.. But trust me it’s a true story..
Let’s hear more what she narrated to me when I met her in a one BHK, well decorated house at Malad (W) in Mumbai.. She was a very good student in studies as well as in sports.. From a very early age she had a feeling that she is different.. While other girls of her age were playing hide and seek or with their dolls, SH was busy in playing football, volleyball with the boys.. Her parents wanted her to make a doctor… everything was fine, parents were too caring.. but over protecting… I was listening her carefully but at the same time i was thinking does she has an extraordinary story for my TV viewers?? She was completely oblivious with my intension that for me she s just another case study i am doing for another reality show.. but soon she became a very special person to me and i am sure she will become special for you too after listening her pain, PAIN that nobody would want to experience..
I asked her to tell me some particular incident when her parents over protecting behaviour have caused her some problem.. “No, I don’t remember any particular incident” she said politely..
I got shocked when she told me that her sister was also a drug addict, her sister had started because of peer pressure of her friends.. but she got over soon.. but SH was not as lucky as her older sister.. She was completely fascinated by her sisters wild attitude, holding a glass of wine and cigarette in her hands.. I was too young and had no idea what is right or what is wrong.. One fine day she went out with her sister and met her friends.. There she first tried wine and cigarette.. SH said with this first experience I was on cloud nine but at the same time I felt a fear like I ate a hole in me.. a hole, I am trying to fill with drug, hashish, cocaine, heroin for past 35 year. “uss HOLE ko bharne keliye maine har wo kaam kia jo mere parents ko society mei nazar niche karke chalne ke liye majboor kar sakta tha” with tearful eyes and regretful heart she pured these feelings out. “school se bhag kar freinds ke sath mahalakshmi mandir (in town area of Mumbai) jake sadhu baba ke sath CHILAM pina shuru kiya.. At the age of 11 we went to America.. tab tak maine GANJA pina shuru kar diya tha.. I used to do shop lifting for purchasing drugs.. In three years I had shifted to five different schools..At the age of 14 we came back to India.. Then I started taking MANDRAX tablets.. I used to take 50 tables in a day.. (I did'nt ask her but i have read that one tablet is equal to four peg of wine)

At the age of 16 I used to go to DHAKESHWAR Mandir, its behind MAHALAKSHMI Mandir.. there she met a band group and started having sex, drugs and everything that could keep her out of the mainstream of life..she was totally oblivious about the consequences and the withdrawal symptoms.. she went to Indonesia with her parents, where they had put her under a rehabilitation programme, she had her first bout of withdrawal symptoms of heroin.. SH was narrating her story as she s reading it out from some note book, she said-mujhe apne parents ki presence aur ye sari koshishe irritate karti thi.. heroin nahi milata to alchohol se kaam chalati thi mai… At the age of 19, she came back to India… and met one german man, started fixing through injection… Muje rehabilitation centre le jaate mai wahan se bhag jaati… kai baar ghar se bahar nikal diya… do baar road se utha ke rehabilitation center le gaye… but I wasn’t ready to give up… I was in love with that German guy.. Had also dreamt a normal life with him as a house wife.. We both were eager to leave this habit but before leaving it i requested him to have it one last time.. but he got over dosed and he passed away.. I was completely shattered.. I went berserk.. because he was not willing to have it but I forced him.. Parents took me back to states and kept me in a rehablitaiotn center..There I met my first legal husband JOE.. he was also a drug addict… We fell in love and got married.. I started working as an editor, medical transcription.. I gave birth to my first child, a daughter.. After some time I met a group of drug addicts they gave me some pills and I went back to square one.. My husband was completely out of it and tried to stop me but I was so adamant and was not ready to listen him.. I left his house and my daughter when she was just 3 and half year old.. After seven year we got divorced … Then another live in relationship happened.. I met him in a methadone clinic.. I became a drug peddler.. caught up many time and had to go jail as a result.. this was the time when i gave birth to my son (now studying in a hostel of PANCHGANI in India).. Finally US government made a full charge sheet against me made a hole on my passport and sent me back to India.. I came to Mumbai lived with my aunt.. Again started and this time with brown sugar.. There are many incidents when I made my parent embarrassed but the one which i can not forget is the visit to my son s school. I went there on a sports day.. he was getting his prize and as usual I was intoxicated.. my son came to me with his friend and asked me MOM did u see it.. but when he and his friend saw my condition he felt embarrassed.. He came back and cried a lot..That time I felt what is the use of my life?? it’s not me who s living this curse of life but my son is also terribly suffering with it.. why and how much pain i am giving to my family and taking away their prestige, social respect and happiness.. I tried to commit suicide but couldn’t die.. I got paralytic attack and my right leg lost sensation.. I am also an HIV positive, a TB patient.. The only words that I could use to describe my life were fearful, desperate, aimless and hopeless.. She said everything in a breathless moment.. probably she was trying to hold back her tears.. after a short pause she broke down in front of me.. mujhe samajh nahi aa raha tha usse kaise sambhalu.. but then a telephone call of her son made her happy again..

And after keeping the phone down she said sorry and again started with her story.. But my son gave me a hope, strength and aim to restart my life.. A life, now have become full of many holes.. but i tried to make my son happy, to see a smile on his face, to return him what he has lost due to my drug addiction..
Four year back I went to a rehabilitation centre and now for past three months I am completely away.. I am practicing bhuddisam now..
SH is like a phoenix bird who takes birth out of its own ashes.. Yes “ASHES” while describing her present state of mind SH said “I would rather be ashes than dust!” after sharing my personal experience I am feeling, perhaps my life will make another person to think many times before taking the first step to drugs.. or give inspiration to another drug addict to win over this devil.. its difficult but not impossible.. as The Enlightened Budhha said “Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! SHINE”